A Box Of Yummy Goodness

Good news America.  The devilishly delicious snack food called “The Twinkie” is making its triumphant return to gas stations and finer food stores everywhere.  But there’s even more good news.

The Twinkie (which was purchased by two private equity firms, after Hostess went bankrupt) is better than ever.  How can this be you ask?  Because the chiefs (or some guys in white lab coats) have figured out a way to extend the Twinkie shelf life!

This raises two very important questions.  One, who buys a Twinkie to eat later?  And two, what exactly did they do to make the scrumptious concoction go from a 26-day shelf life to lasting a whopping 45-days?  Now to be fair, the longer shelf-life isn’t exactly new.  Hostess introduced the new and improved Twinkies last year, but those were made about a week before Hostess ceased operations.

Nobody will disclose the change in the recipe that allows it to extend the shelf life saying that information is propriety (do you think Snowden or the NSA can tell us?), but I for one am hoping it’s done artificially so as not to effect its yummy goodness.

Either way, it’s a huge victory for America who was recently replaced as the most obese nation in the western hemisphere by Mexico.  A huge Twinkie billboard has been erected in Times Square and there is an official website with a countdown clock ticking down to the moment when, we can all savor the self-proclaimed “Sweetest Comeback in the History of Ever.”